relationships...when will they end?

I'm right in the middle of some confusion, frustration, sadness...really I'm right in the middle of a huge pity party for myself.

So, cue the sad song and grab a tissue.

Is the song on??...Ok, keep reading.

I'm kinda sad about relationships. I love them and I think they are amazing. But I've been thinking a lot about all the different dynamics of relationships with people that I have and have had in my life.

Even though I haven't lived outside of Utah for too much of my life, I've had the opportunity to travel quite a bit and I've met people from all over the world. I've also had people that I really care about move away from Utah. Last night I was thinking about people and missing a few. I have friends in Ukraine, Germany, England, Chile, Peru, Israel, just to name a few. As well as several states here in America (Hawaii, California, Alabama, Maryland) that I never see. Some people that I care a lot about that I might never see again. It sucks.

I've been thinking about relationships that are developing in my life right now and how sometimes I'm self destructive or I kind of sabotage things that are going really well. I think I let myself think too much about good relationships that have come and gone that have hurt me over the years so I try to keep a safe distance or I build a wall if you will, to protect myself. I let myself think that sometime this will inevitably end so if I keep myself from putting my whole heart into it so I get less hurt when things change and the connection fades, it will hurt less, instead of just embracing it, and living in and loving the moment. I wonder how many good things I've let go because I'm scared of getting hurt. This is starting to sound romanticy, but it's more than romantic relationships. I get attached to people. I know everything happens for a reason and people come into our lives when we really need them, and I guess when paths have crossed and begin to go their separate ways again that's probably for a reason too, but it's still way hard.

I've been thinking about this monk in Hawaii. And his lotus leaf advice. Here's what he said and the thoughts I had in case you don't wanna read the whole post. "Live your life affectionately detached. Like water on a lotus leaf." Think about that. He happened to be standing by a pond with lotus leaves floating in it and he splashed some water on one. Kind of cool. I need to live more like that I decided. I think I'm a pretty passionate person, which is good I guess, but I get too attached to people and situations. I struggle with the fact that people and the world are constantly changing and that no matter how good things, or people, or relationships are, they're going to change. Amazing friendships will come and go. That makes me sad, but it's happened to me, so I know it's true.

Today I got an email from the guy who is planning our 10 year high school reunion that is happening in August. He was one of my closest friends and I haven't seen or talked to him in 10 years! He attached a list of 306 people that we graduated with that are MIA and asked if I had contact info on any of them. I knew a good percent of the people on the list when we were in HS, and was friends with quite a lot as well. I have email addresses and/or phone numbers for 7. Only 7 out of 306! That part was a total side note. It just made me think more about people coming and going.

Well, that's all. I don't have a good "final thought" to wrap this up. I wish I did. So if you wanna hit repeat on the sad song you're listening to, and just sit and think for a moment about me and some awesome advise you might have, then feel free. ;)

Early morning, 12-1 and after 5.

Those were the best parts of my day today. I went to the gym this morning and had a good workout. My only complaint was the guy who came and stood in front of my elliptical towards the end of my run. I missed my goal by 0.05 miles. I totally blame him for talking to me and distracting me. He was nice and all, but come on! What's the deal? I think I'm gonna stop wearing make-up, always pull my hair up in a big mess on top of my head, buy more uni-boob sports bras, stop trying to match my clothes, and try to sweat more. I've been hit on at the gym more in a week than anywhere else in the past month.

12-1. I went and had a patriotic bedazzly lunch break. I may have let Pearl go a little overboard on the bedazzling this time, but oh well. She had fun and I can handle the craziness for a couple weeks. Plus, I wanted something 4th of July-ish. I think I got it!

And then after work I had an hour long massage. Doesn't get much better than that.

Tagged.

1. What was I doing 10 years ago? I'd just graduated from High School and I was a couple weeks away from moving to Germany...so I was kind of packing but spending most of my time with Melanie, Taft and Shane.

2. What was I doing 5 years ago? I was counting down the days til my wedding, I was also moving, working and taking a couple summer classes. I was busy and happy.

3. What was I doing 5 months ago? I was getting over jet lag from my trip to Ukraine and packing for my trip to Peru.

4. 5 Things on My To Do List: Mostly little things...
--1.buy a hub cap
--2.clean my apartment
--3.finish a couple work things
--4.Go grocery shopping
--5.call Comcast

5. 5 Snacks I Enjoy...
--1.crushed ice
--2.swedish fish
--3.watermelon
--4.chocolate strawberries
--5.more crushed ice

6. 5 things I would do if I became a Billionaire...
--1.travel to all the countries on my list
--2.keep doing the job I have now, but add a ton more projects.
--3.pay off houses and cars for the fam and a few friends
--4.buy a truck
--5.go to Wendy's

7. 5 Bad Habits...
--1.too sarcastic
--2.too emotional
--3.knuckle popping
--4.tanning
--5.snacking

8. 5 Places I have lived... Roy, Ut. Weisbaden Germany, Mainz-Gonsenhiem Germany, Louisville, KY, The SLC.

9. 5 Jobs I've Had... CCO Supervisor, Undercover Security, Feature Films for Families, IDFL, International Relations.

10. 5 people to tag...I'm not much of a tagger...have at it if you want to :) Thanks Joni!

heat and sheep, i just needed sleep...

I was so excited to go to bed last night. I was feeling kind of sick, it had been a long day and I was just really really tired. I went to bed at about 11:00 and I could NOT fall asleep. It was really hot in my apartment, so I blamed that at first. You'd think I'd just get up and turn on the air. I'm not the type to worry too much about my utility costs but I think the reason I didn't turn it on at first was because I'd just been talking to my mom the day before about how my apartment is in a great shaded location and is always cool and I haven't turned the air on yet. I wasn't ready to give in. I finally did at about 12:15. My house cooled right down but it didn't help the insomnia. Here's some thoughts I had while tossing and turning.

-What is it about my daily patterns that I almost always look at a clock at 11:11 and 12:34? AM and PM.

-I love 'Spoon Me' frozen yogurt...I've heard 'Red Mango' is good too...I should try it...I wonder if they are environmentally friendly like 'Spoon Me' is...do you really care that much about the environment Andrea?...Well, I care, but I don't go super out of my way to care. But if I do something that makes my carbon footprint smaller I feel good for a second but lately I haven't gone too out of my way. I wish 'Spoon Me' was open right now.

-When did I start laying at an angle on my bed?? I should get a king size bed in case there is ever a man in here with me.

-I wonder if I would actually sky dive. I know I'd say I would do it and I'd go up in the plane but I wonder if I would jump...probably not, but maybe. I would probably get strapped to a strong hot man and just tell him not to tell me when we were going and just have him hold me and jump. (For the next 10 minutes or so I was singing: I went Skyyyyyy divin', I went -rocky mountain climbin', I went 2.7 seconds on a thing named something, and I loved deeper, and I, somethin bleeper, and I someday blah blah hope you get the chance, to live like you were dyin'...A song stuck in your head is a million times worse when you don't know the words.)

-Should my closets be organized tanks together, sweaters together, skirts together, etc. OR reds together, yellows together, blacks together, etc...

-I need to get my nails done. I should get them festive for the 4th of July. What should I do on the 4th of July?

-Who's idea was it to count sheep?? Did someone have a weird dream about sheep jumping over their bed, or was it a real shepherd who couldn't sleep one night so he went out to his barn and counted his sheep until he got tired.

-Lastly, I thought about this awesome/tragic dream I had the night before. I was married to this amazing guy and we had a little girl. She was so dang cute. I felt so completely happy with life in the dream. We had a beautiful home and things couldn't get better. I turned to my dream husband and said, "pinch me so I know this isn't a dream." He did. I said, "that didn't hurt, do it a little harder just so I can make sure this is real." He pinched me again, a little harder. Hard enough that it hurt and woke me up in real life. I was so sad when I woke up.

Finally around 3am i fell asleep.

the cure for baby hunger

I've been thinking I wanna have kids. I mean, I have always wanted kids, but sometimes the clock ticks louder than usual. I guess it's been pretty loud lately. So, Kristin and I borrowed he sister Whitney's kids for the day today. That was enough to cure me. Ok, it was actually pretty fun. We went to the zoo and then had lunch at Chili's.

Here's a few pictures from our adventure.


We never quite got a good picture of the 4 of us...this one is the best.After a day at the busy zoo chasing around a 3 year old and a 1 year old, I'm starting to think that those kid leashes that I've always been completely against might not be so bad.




Kobe and I had so much fun on our first date.








Still smiling!







This kid is such a doll!
I'm gonna be a mean mom. I made Kobe put this rubber band over his eyes about 3 times, just to get a good picture. Poor little guy.


So, we're at Chili's and I put my purse on the floor between Kristin and I. I thought it would be the safest to keep it away from the kids. Bad choice. Our waiter had just brought a glass of Dr Pepper to Kristin. As soon as he put it down she hit it with her elbow. It fell to the floor and couldn't have landed more perfectly on and in my purse. It was a mess! 2 digital cameras, a phone, an ipod, my wallet...other purse stuff. Amazingly, everything still works. I should have put it between Kobe and I. At the very most I would have just had to pull out a couple french fries and maybe some tortilla chip crumbs. Good job Kristin.

All in all it was a fun day. I still think I could handle a kid or two of my own someday...I'm just not ready for a Kristin yet. ;)

Run Andrea, Run.

So I mentioned below that I might change my rule about dating gym boys...I'm still deciding. Here's a new one for ya.

Yesterday morning I was running on the elliptical and I noticed a couple guys kinda watching me and talking...whatever. I finished and was walking to an ABench, one of them smiled at me as I walked by. When I finished there, I was walking back to the elliptical and passed him again. Here's how the conversation went. (I'll use a fake name, not to protect him, but because I can't remember his real name.)

Josh: Hey, how are you?
Me: Good, how are you?
Josh: Good. Are you leaving?
Me: Nope, not yet.

(riveting, I know)

I worked out for another half hour or so and ironically enough, there he was and I had to walk past him again! Here's the next awesome conversation.

Josh: Are you done now?
Me: Yep.
Josh: Hey, I have something for you.
Me: What?
Josh: Do you have a boyfriend? I have something for you.
Me: ...No...I don't...what do you have for me?
Josh: Well, I saw you in here yesterday...and I brought you something...is that ok?
Me: Umm...yeah, I guess.
Josh: Ok, hold on one second.
Me: Ok...
(90 seconds pass)
Josh walks out of the locker room with a rose and a paper with his phone number on it.
Me: Oh...wow, thanks...?
Josh: I know, sorry I'm kinda forward.
Me: No, it's ok...I appreciate it...
(Josh smiles)
Me: Well, I guess I'll maybe see you tomorrow.
Josh: Ok, have a good day.
Me: Thanks, you too.
(Lots of people looking...I walk towards the door...pass a hot trainer...hot trainer gives me the head bob and half smile and says, Nice.)

Hmm...I love roses, but, at the gym?? From someone I've never met?? Kinda sweet and really courageous. But kinda awkward too. If only it woulda come with a frutista freeze. I'd be his. (That won't be funny unless you read the post below this one...and even then, maybe not so much.)

...nothing worth reading...

1. Sometimes (always) I can't think more than a day or two in advance or I get overwhelmed. No matter what I do, I'm going to disappoint people. That's a hard thought to always have in the back of my mind.

2. Here's a new way to win my heart. Bring me a Mango Strawberry Frutista Freeze from Taco Bell...and some roses.

3. Kristin is moving to Las Vegas. The trip I mentioned below was just a free trip, nothing major, she was sure she didn't wanna move to Vegas, we were just going to hang for a couple days. But, the offer was just too good and she's moving the weekend of the 4th of July. I'm so sad. I can't think about it.

4. I'm thinking of changing my rule about not dating guys that hit
on me at the gym. Last week a way old (yuck) man, and one semi-attractive sweaty Latino guy awkwardly hit on me. (I guess these days I should just take what I can get) But, I'm really wasn't into getting picked up at the gym... So...How much do you weigh? ...Do you wear a sports bra? ...Where did you get your shorts? ...Do you have a trainer? ...That's what I imagine the first date being like. Cuz, ya know, people who go to the gym only know how to talk about the gym. I'm lame, but no thanks. That was my attitude until yesterday. I went to the gym in the morning and then again at night and both times I got asked out by pretty attractive men. I'm still deciding. Also, there's this trainer...I think his name is Jason...I'm really not sure, I call him 'Motivation'.

5. I might roadtrip somewhere for a weekend by myself. I want to get away. Maybe Portland or something. I think that I might get bored though...I have no problem leaving the country alone, but a couple states away and I worry.

Vegas in a nutshell

Kristin and I went on a whirlwind trip to Vegas last week. She had a job interview and I was along for the ride. (a free ride that her company payed for) We were only there for a couple days and we were totally lame the whole time, here are a couple high(and low)lights. And a few things the only Kristin will think is funny.

1. All we did was sleep, shop and eat. That is the order of importance. We didn't even make it to the strip and we didn't gamble.

2. Speaking of shopping. We went to the outlets and I didn't spend much money...until the very end. This vendor attacked me with this wraparound skirt/shirt/dress thing. She just started wrapping me up and making me look beautiful. Long story short- I spent $100 on two of these things that made me the hottest chick ever, and now I can't figure out how to wear it. Here is how I justify the purchase. They claim you can wear it 100 ways and I bought 2, so that's 200 outfits for $100 dollars. 50 cents and outfit is not bad...if only I knew how to put it on.

3. A couple other funny/awkward shopping things. Kristin cried because she didn't have enough cash for all the dresses she wanted so she had to choose. I made her sit on a bench outside the store and think about which one she wanted more. I felt like a mom telling my child that she had to choose between two treats and it was just too overwhelming, so a mini-meltdown followed.

4. Speaking of children. The day we got there I accidentally took my pillow with me when we went to check into the hotel. I got sick of holding it so I put it in my shirt...this could be a really long story, but I'll keep it short. Let's just say there are 2 women who work at The Texas Station in Vegas who are REALLY excited about my little baby boy who is due on June 25th...I know...I'm horrible...I got caught up in the moment!


5. Back to shopping. We found this cute little clothing store but they didn't have a dressing room. We wanted to try stuff on so we just tried it on over our clothes. Kristin got a little too excited about it and was taking a dress off and accidentally took her shirt all the way off with the dress right in the middle of the store...oopsie.

6. We think a campaign guy was following us the whole time. I promise, we'd drive down a road and moments later the same road would be covered with signs. It was weird.

7. I got myself in the middle of a road rage incident on the way home. It was between a male driver and a young female driver. I wasn't involved in the beginning, but the man was a huge jerk and the girl was crying. So I decided to squeeze myself into the mix as more of a distraction to the guy to give the girl a break. Kristin was freaking out cuz she thought I'd wreck her car. I wasn't worried. And I helped the girl out. 48 miles later, the girl was fine and left alone, the man was totally pissed off at me and finally gave up, and I was 48 miles closer to being home. Win, win...win.

Funny things that are only funny to me and Kristin.

"Where do you wanna eat?...I see a Wiener Schnitzel..." (Kristin)

"Did you girls know that this is the casino floor?" (Some overly helpful man on the elevator)

"Do you think I can park right there, where it says, No Parking?" (Andrea)

"My biological bomb it ticking." (Kristin)

"Leave me alone, I'm eating for two!" (Andrea)

"Hey look Andrea, there's someone who is actually pregnant." (Kristin)

Nonprofit Work

I found this quote from a friend who found it from Robert Egger, president of D.C. Central Kitchen, speaking to young nonprofit workers, in the Chronicle of Philanthropy:

You all have completely got to redesign charity in America, 100 percent, top to bottom. There’s no big pot of money out there that’s going to allow you all to get paid a good wage unless you go out and develop it. What I see in your generation is a desire to see your spirituality, your income, and your lifestyle mesh. It doesn’t exist yet, and I think a lot of people come to the nonprofit sector thinking, I’ll find it there, and can be a little discouraged.

This is so true. I work in Nonprofit. I get an ok salary and some good perks. I.e. travel expense account, flexible schedule, awesome connections in Hawaii, etc. But I think this quote is thought provoking. Nonprofit is a lot of work, and is sometimes overwhelming and discouraging. But we all have the ability and responsibility to create the life we want. It really doesn't just exist, we have to build it. If you don't like your destiny or the course you're on, then change it.

randomness that'll probably confuse, make sense, piss off, make happy, and pass time.

1. This really shook me up on Monday. I watched the video twice by myself at my house, and once with my mom and dad at their house. I'm glad they watched it with me, and were willing to talk to me. I left their house 5 hours later feeling sad, overwhelmed, emotionally drained, scared, kind of lonely -but not wanting to be with anyone, disappointed, frustrated, hopeful, mad, and knowing they loved me no matter what.

2. I'm really struggling with all things religious these days, as most of you know. I'm thankful for the ups, because the downs hit hard, but usually don't last. One thing that I'm very aware of is that over the past couple months I have more faith in God than I ever have. I approach prayer, faith, worship, God, scripture study and Jesus differently now than I did in the religion of my childhood, which was LDS. I want everything to make sense and I have a strong desire for truth. I'm glad the desire is so strong and that I have incredible people around me who care about the journey I'm on.

3. I was in charge of my brothers wedding BBQ on tuesday night. It was a huge success and we lucked out on the weather because the dinner was outside. It was a fun evening with good food and good people.

4. I took my mom to get manis and pedis on Wednesday. It was so fun, I love having cute toes! My toes match my fingers. I got purple flowers with little glitters to coordinate with the wedding Thursday. I'm such a girl!

5. My heater has been on for 3 days and I'm still a little cold. What's the deal? It's June, right??

6. I posted the wedding pictures yesterday. It was such a beautiful day. I love my family so much, and even though there is a lot going on in my life right now that they maybe wish wasn't, we're still all so close. Family is important, I realize that more and more everyday.

7. I talked to Dave yesterday morning to help him book a rental car in Hawaii. They were so happy and I'm so glad they loved this room that I got them at the Anniversary Inn for their wedding night.

8. I had lunch with my friend Deb yesterday. She's off to Russia with her husband Erik on Sunday with K2, their church. They are such great new friends. We sat at the Olive Garden for 2 hours talking. I needed it after this eventful week! Love her.

9. I feel like I broke up with someone that I wasn't even dating. It was weird. And sad. My little awesome brother Scott took me to dinner last night to talk, he's such a stud.

10. Speaking of people I'm not dating, I got a surprise phone call this week from my friend Zhenya in Ukraine. He NEVER calls cuz it's like a bajillion dollars, but he did a couple days ago. It was SO GOOD to talk to him. He always makes me smile. Zhenya is my back-up, back-up. It's just good sense to back up your back up! Those are the words of Miss Phoebe Buffay from an episode of "Friends." I've had a few back ups in my day. 3 or 4, I think. All of which are married now. I think Braden might be my current back up, but he's afraid of commitment. We never "sealed the deal" (shook hands). But I think I could trick him into it. My deal with Z is more of a, "we'll talk about it when we're 30." He turned 29 a couple days ago, and I'm a couple months into 28. We have a while, but who knows, it might happen. Oh, and he also said he has to ask his mom. Great, a mama's boy. Maybe I need to work on more secure and reliable back ups.

Dave and Neally's Happy Day

My older brother David got married yesterday to Neally Tempfer...

It was the perfect day...

We were worried about the weather after all the rain we had Wednesday and yesterday morning, but it cleared up just before the wedding and was a beautiful day.

They got married in the little chapel at Hill Air Force Base, and the reception was at Ivy Lane Reception Center. It was beautiful.

The girls...and the boys...

Neally fits in so well with our family and David fits in so well with hers. The Tempfer family is awesome. We had so much fun together yesterday.

We were pretty nice to them, not too big of a mess to clean up!

The grass was wet, the photographer lied to us. I was holding myself up so my skirt didn't get wet, and Taylor and Scott had wet knees. Oh, the sacrifices we make for kodak moments!

Everything went so well all day. It was good to see old friends from Roy and spend time with family.

Congrats Dave and Nene! And now they're off to Hawaii!

ABC

A. ATTACHED OR SINGLE? Single. Might be open to attachments.
B: BEST FRIENDS? More than my share. The bestest have come into my life in the past year and I hope they stay for a bajillion more.
C: CAKE OR PIE? Cake. Not a fan of cooked fruit. But my Auntie makes a chocolate pie that would rock your face off.
D: DAY OF CHOICE? I dunno. There's not a day that's always the best. Usually its between Thursday and Sunday.
E: ESSENTIAL ITEMS? Unfortunately, probably my phone.
F: FAVORITE COLORS? red and purple
G: GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS? worms
H: HOMETOWN? Roy is my hometown. The SLC is the grownup home I picked, and now I say I'm from here. But I'm up for changes for sure...but not back to Roy. Maybe out of Utah.
I: FAVORITE INDULGENCE? Diet Coke with a lime over crushed ice while lying on the beach in the cancerous sun for hours and hours. (There are others, but that one sounds good right now.)
J: JANUARY OR JULY? July. Who chooses January?
K: KIDS? love 'em. Hopefully I'll get some of my own someday.
L: LIFE ISN'T COMPLETE WITHOUT...good people, good laughs, and moments that take your breath away.
M: MARRIAGE DATE? Who knows. Hopefully sometime warm...or I guess we could have a destination wedding in Hawaii any time of year. And hopefully before 2020.
N: NUMBER OF BROTHERS AND SISTERS? three brothers and on thursday a sister-in-law
O: ORANGES OR APPLES? I like em both, but I don't eat either much.
P: PEOPLE YOU SAW TODAY: Paul, Erik, Deb, Greg, Kristin, Tiffany, Tom, Sara.
Q: QUOTE? "If your heart never hurt then how would you know it was even there?"
R: REASONS TO SMILE? warm weather, good people, crushed ice.
S: SUPERMAN OR WONDER WOMAN? It depends. Am I being one of 'em or being with one of 'em?? You figure it out.
T: TIME YOU USUALLY WAKE UP? between 6:45 and 7:45
U: UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME? I like the smell of glass plus and foam paint brushes.
V: VEGETABLE? zucchini
W: WORST HABIT? procrastinating and sometimes I'm too sarcastic.
X: X-RAY OR ULTRASOUND? depends on if I'm broken or pregnant.
Y: YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? can crushed ice count as a food??
Z: ZODIAC SIGN? pisces