Monday, September 26, 2011

I'm going to vent.

1. I'm sick of everything that should be simple and easy to do in one try taking three tries. I can think of several things off the top of my head that took way longer and were more complicated than they should have been and it hasn't stopped since we moved here. DirecTV, Wells Fargo (twice), AAA, DMV, Home Depot, Target electronics, Blackberry, the electrician, IKEA, brakes on our ford. Unfortunately, I could go on.

2. I'm so over doctors, therapists, waiting rooms, pay parking lots, appointment reminder cards, co-pays. I feel like I've had a pretty good attitude for the past year with all of these things, but today, I just want to be DONE. With ALL OF IT. I'm sure at our next appointment Wednesday and our two on friday, I'll be fine. Today, I'm not fine.

3. I hate colds. If Garrett and I didn't share spoons and forks and cups with each other, colds might not be so bad, but I'm pretty sure we've been sharing a cold back and forth for about 3 weeks now. Tomorrow I'm washing everything machine washable (again) that he and/or I have touched this month. And I'm cleaning all his toys. And we're not sharing food, at least for a little while.

4. I hate when the grocery shopping list says: paper towels, diapers, toilet paper, soap, dish soap, light bulbs, tooth paste, envelopes. I'm pretty sure our grocery money for the next two weeks will be gone before we buy any food. Why does everything run out at the same time?

Paul and I had a vent session on saturday and when we were done we both felt like crap, so I made us each say three things we're really thankful for. It was a good way to end the session. We really are blessed. But clearly today I had a relapse. I'm going to bed.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish...and the Birthday Boy.

Since Garrett was about 5 months old, he's been fascinated with fish tanks. There's a restaurant across the street that has one that he loves. His pediatrician's office has one and he'll sit still uncharacteristically long and stare at it. And we've seen them at a few other places like Bass Pro Shoppe and Cabella's, and he loves watching them. I decided several months ago that we should get him a small aquarium for his birthday, and we actually did it.

But first, here's how we spent the day.

I got up and cooked him french toast to have it ready when I thought he'd be up, and of course he slept in til almost 10:00.He enjoyed his breakfast and he even had some apple sauce and WHOLE milk to wash it down. We gave him his first whole milk mixed with formula a couple days ago. I think the full transition will be pretty quick and easy.After a nap I decided I wanted a couple pictures in his birthday shirt. And of course he was not interested. I could get him to stand long enough for me to hold the camera up, then he'd laugh and squat to the floor.So we went outside and I had the GREAT idea to give him some blueberry licorice to chew on. Sounds cute (and clean), right? After about 5 seconds I realized what a mess I was in for. But I just let it happen. In the last picture (bottom right) you can see that he spotted my hiding place for it when I decided it was time to be done. (click on the collage to make it bigger)In the afternoon we got to Skype with Grandma and Grandpa out in Utah. We used a bigger monitor than usual and Garrett kept reaching forward trying to grab them. Maybe he thought they were really sitting in front of us. :)

After a second nap, he got his gift. (We'd set it up a few days ago in the guest room and left the door shut. We quietly moved it to his room while he was asleep.) I got the exact reaction I was hoping for. He was so excited! It was so fun to watch him point at the fish and tap the sides. He loves them. So hopefully it'll last and keep him happy when he's taking his time falling asleep.We went to the Rainforest Cafe at Downtown Disney for dinner. He got to see a lot more fish. He had some crayons for his appetizer. He enjoyed his very own dinner, Mac n Cheese, off the kids menu. And they sang to him and gave him a free sundae.We went to Grandma and Grandpa White's after for some presents and more dessert. Aunt Annie gave him books and DVDs in Hebrew that she got in Israel.And then the most excited part of the day, he WALKED! I think I mentioned on his blog that he's taken a few steps that I would more describe as little stomps as he lunges from person to person. But tonight he really walked! Paul and I both said it was like was was just saving it for his birthday to show off. I of course had left my camera in another room, and by the time I got it, he was done, so I missed the best of it. Here's a short video of a couple little steps. Hopefully I'll have a better one to post soon!
video
Paul and I are so blessed to have this wonderful little boy in our lives. He's a total joy. And while he won't remember a single thing about his busy, fun day, it was special for his dad and I to celebrate the one year mark of when our lives were forever changed, and we became parents.

Friday, September 23, 2011

A letter to my first born.

Dear Garrett,

Today is your first birthday. You're a year old! And what a year of adventures it's been.

I've been thinking back for the past couple days about what life was like a year ago, and all the emotions I was feeling.

I remember when I found out you were inside of me. I couldn't believe it was actually real. I think I stared at myself in the mirror for 5 minutes with my mouth hanging open, glancing down at the two pink lines every few seconds to see if one had faded.

I remember the day that I thought I lost you. It was the saddest morning of my life. And then a few hours later, seeing your tiny little heart beat at the doctors office. It quickly turned into the happiest day.

I remember worrying and wondering the rest of the pregnancy if you were going to stick around.

I remember when you were finally born. Feeling your warm little body on my chest. Wrapping my arms around you. Looking into those instantly curious eyes. Hearing your first cry. Saying, "Hi baby! You're here!"I remember taking you home from the hospital and realizing that I had no idea what to do next.I remember how quick you grew and changed and all the fun mile stones you've reached. You're first coo, smile, laugh, when you rolled over, your first taste of food, when you crawled, stood in your crib, finally cutting your first tooth a couple weeks ago, watching you stand on your own for the first time and hearing you squeal with excitement, and the early stages of taking your first steps.You're a pure joy to have around. You make me smile everyday. You make me laugh everyday. You make me worry everyday. And you make life happy everyday. You have a smile that makes even strangers happy.You're a beautiful boy inside and out.I love you more than you'll ever know.

Happy Birthday, Bubba.

Love, Mom

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Garrett's a DOC Band Graduate

Garrett graduated from Cranial Technologies today. He got a certificate and applause from the staff and everything. And we took donuts to everyone to celebrate. Technically he got his 'diploma' early. He had his exit photos and measurements done, but he also had a final adjustment to the band. He'll wear it for 2 more weeks and then we'll take it off on October 5th (2 weeks from today), and he'll be done forever. It's gone by fast, and has been much easier than I thought it would be.

I remember after Garrett's evaluation for the band, I was so overwhelmed. We walked out with another lady who was carrying a baby in a band. She was really encouraging to me and it was nice to talk to her. Her boy was almost done with treatment and I remember wishing I was in her shoes. Today I was walking in with a women carrying a little boy, we talked for a minute and they were just beginning treatment. It's crazy how much we've learned, how well Garrett has corrected, and how fast the time has gone by.

We'll be in PT for another 6 or 7 weeks, and then we'll likely be done with that too! ...Just in time for 2.0 to get here.

Here are Garrett's before and after pictures:

The ones on the left are the befores, rights are after.Still a little tilt to the left (but the muscles have lengthened really well), and still a little jaw work on the left side that needs to be done to pull the left ear up a bit. That's why we're staying in PT.The back of his head has filled in great, and the egg shape is gone!The flat spot is gone, and his forehead and lips are symmetrical now.

I know I've said it a million times before, and I'll probably say it a million more, but I'm so proud of Garrett. He just goes with the flow and handles everything so well. He had 3D images done today again too, with the nylon completely covering his head and face. No crying, no trying to pull it off. And he sat perfectly still for all the pictures. I've met 2 mom's of helmet kids and they both told me they had to stop PT with their babies because they screamed the whole time. So thankful that Garrett hasn't shed a single tear in any of his sessions. We're really blessed. He's a good kid.

Here is Garrett and his clinician. She has a little crush on him.My little graduate.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

3rd trimester pregnancy FAQ's

How are you feeling? This is the most common question of all. And I'd say 99% of the time I tilt my head a little to the side, half nod yes, and say, "good" with a little enthusiasm. I don't feel like saying, "I could sleep all day, I've felt nauseous every night right before bed for 27 weeks straight, and I still throw up on average about once a week." That's how I really feel, but the head tilt/half nod/'good' works better these days. (And who really cares anyway, right?)

How's your depression? The doctor asked me for a little update on this today. They've been really good at keeping up on that, which I appreciate. My nutshell answer was, I feel so much better and generally happier now than I did 6 months ago. But deep down I'm terrified of a major crash postpartum. I won't go as long as I did after Garrett this time if I start feeling the same again. We discussed some things my councillor is helping me with and also some nursing-safe antidepressants. I reiterated again at the end that I don't want to 'plan' on starting medication, I just want to be prepared if I really believe it becomes a need.

Are you getting an epidural? Umm...maybe. I don't feel as strongly as I did last time about doing it naturally. And its likely because labor was the longest and most profoundly painful experience I've ever had in my life. So naturally, I have a lot of fear associated with the whole process. I'm feeling much more 'go with the flow' this time around. Maybe that's the wrong attitude to have, but its the one I have for now. If I was to repeat the exact same birth experience with 2.0 that I had with Garrett, the answer would be, "YES!" and about 45 hours sooner than last time too. But we'll see.

How has this pregnancy been different from the last? I think I answered this before but it gets asked often, (especially when people hear how young Garrett is). New things I've thought of are:

-I felt like I bought new clothes and new bras every month last time. This time? One pair of capris, one shirt, and no new bras. And my mom bought me a dress for my brother's wedding.

-I've never felt like it was lasting forever. I have 2 cousins who are both on their first pregnancies, one due in Jan. and one in Feb. I saw them last time I was in Utah and they're both ready to be done! I told them I wish time would slow down a little and she can stay inside me as long as she wants. Time is flying by this time around.

-I'm staying more active. I think last time I nearly gave up on the exercise by this point because I was so tired all the time. This time around, I'm busier following a baby all day and I ride a bike or walk 4-5 days a week. I decided when I found out I was pregnant that I didn't want to gain a lot of weight again. 10 lbs sounded good. I'm almost 33 weeks and I've gained 8 pounds total. (If I only gain 2 more in the next 7 weeks I'll brag about it on my blog, if I gain more than 2, I won't mention it. :)) Sidenote: I'm not starving myself or doing anything unhealthy to try and keep it at 10 lbs. I'm being more healthy and active and still eating all the baby and I need. Funny how that works.

Are you ready? The list making, de-junking, organizing, cleaning, nesting side of me would say no. I've crossed 12 things off my 'To do before Nov. 1st' list, but there's still 15 more things on the list. However, I guess I could also say yes. If I had her in my arms today she wouldn't go hungry, cold, diaperless, or naked. There's no crib, no lighting, and no door in the nursery yet, but she probably won't be in there for a couple months anyway. All of this stuff will be taken care of in the next couple weeks. So while I don't feel 'ready', there's probably not much else I can to do get to that point, but I'm glad I still have 7 weeks to try.

How do you think Garrett will do with a baby around? I ask myself this question several times a day. Sometimes I think he's at the perfect age to just be chill and fine with whatever, other days I think he's at the age that he'll freak out, hate me, hate her, and try to beat her with a Tonka truck when I'm not looking. The super mom in me (that isn't real) has thought of fun things for just he and I to do during the day when she naps. But lets be real about it, if she's napping I hope Garrett and I are napping too.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Just the two of us...

Is it just me, or is growing baby number two not quite as fun as growing baby number one? With number one I had so much time for ME and all the time in the world to think about the baby. Sure, I was working full time and still learning how to be a wife. But if I was tired, I slept. If I was hungry and too sick/tired to cook we ordered take-out. If I was crafting and there was fabric, wood, paint, paper, scissors, glue and cricut cartridges everywhere, I could stop and leave it to do something else. No little one to chase after, or to worry about feeding as well, or worry about eating paint or grabbing a hot glue gun, or ripping up my scrapbook paper, etc. Just me, my sweet hubby who let me enjoy every part of getting ready for a baby, and my baby bump that consumed me in the happiest, most exciting way imaginable.

Not to mention I'm feeling very "uneducated" about this pregnancy. Last time I could tell you exactly what fruit or vegetable the baby was the size of in any given week. I was taking a weekly class about how to get the baby out of me safely. I was asking a million questions at every doctor appointment. And my living room and night stand looked like a library of what, when, where, how and why, all things pregnancy/newborn related. I knew when he could open his eyes and hear my voice inside of me, and what he was doing in there. And I was documenting with weekly belly shots. This time? Umm...yeah right. I'm lucky if I remember I'm pregnant. No books, no classes, appointments as short as possible so I can get home to my boy, and not a single (intentional) picture of this baby bump.

Sure my belly is getting bigger. I don't sleep well on my side. Leg cramping has begun. The number on the scale is creeping up. Stretchy pants are my best friend. And I'm one of those very lucky few to enter the 3rd trimester and still suffer from morning sickness.

But I hadn't really thought much about how life would be with two. Until today. Welcome back 3rd trimester emotional over-load. I remember you well.

It's no longer going to be just Garrett and I. I'm not excluding Paul from the picture, but with a (more than) full-time-outta-the-home working hubby, who's hands are also in several different pots in the community, who's sometimes on call in the evenings. And with me not working and being a full-time mommy, Garrett and I have A LOT of 'just the two of us' time.

The G man and I are a team. If I nap, its when he naps. His schedule is my schedule. Not only do we eat all of our meals together, but we usually share every meal with each other. We play. We laugh. We dance. We go shopping. We go to a lot of appointments. We do EVERYTHING together.

But in a couple short months, that's all going to change. This makes me nervous, scared, and even a little sad.

How can I possibly love someone else the way I love Garrett?

Please don't misunderstand. I'm so so so excited about lil 2.0. I can't wait to snuggle a tiny swaddled baby again. I miss that fresh delicious new baby smell. I want to kiss her cheeks. I want to see Paul napping on the couch and her napping on his chest. Those moments end way too soon. I can't wait to see what she looks like. And newborn yawns and sleepy smiles? My heart might just explode.

But this morning as I squatted down by Garrett's crib to play peek-a-boo and tickle monster, I was sad, for just a moment. All my time during the day is 'Garrett time'. I'm going to miss that.

I can't imagine that I'm the only mom who has felt this way. It seems normal to me, because, I've felt this way before.

We'd been home for 2 days from the hospital after Garrett was born. Paul was back at work, and it was 'just the two of us'. I was exhausted. I hadn't slept for days. Breastfeeding was a disaster. I was pumping and holding a screaming, starving baby, while on the phone and internet trying to learn about and find help for his torticollis. Changing diapers. Changing his clothes. Wondering if I'd ever get caught up on laundry. Trying to keep my house clean. I missed Paul- when it was 'just the two of us'. I thought about how we used to be able to leave last minute on any given night for a late movie. We could stay at restaurants for hours talking. We could have friends over late and be loud. I didn't realize how quickly that freedom would feel over.

These feelings didn't late long. A couple short days later I couldn't imagine my life without little G man with me every day.

I'm sure I'll feel the same way when number two comes along. I don't quite know how it'll all work, but it won't take long to forget what life was like before she joined the family.

But until she makes her debut, I'm going to enjoy every second I have with my little bubba. Just the two of us.

...because I'm just not ready for my baby to not be 'the baby'.