Wednesday, July 9, 2008

false sense of security

...that's the worst kind of security. Except maybe working security at an art museum, that would be really boring. But false sense is up there on the list.

Last night I got a little blindsided by a good friend of mine...kinda my best friend these days. It hurt. It probably would have hurt less to get plowed over by a freight train. Come on, if I wasn't a little dramatic people would think something was really wrong.

I'll keep this short, I just need a quick blogosphere vent session. (which I try not to do, by the way)

Over the past few months a lot has changed in my life. I've felt relationships being strained and friendships kind of dissolving . Mostly because of the spiritual journey I'm on. I've distanced myself from people but I've also felt it happen to me. It's my decision though and I know there will always be consequences for my decisions, and I also feel blessed for the good changes I'm making and my desire for truth.

Ok, I guess I'm almost done. I'm just grateful for the friendships that are remaining consistent in my life. Every Sunday I go to a new church. I am always the new person with a story. I'm always by myself, (which surprisingly I like at church for some reason) I never know what to expect. And I always have questions and wish I felt like I belonged somewhere. Tonight I went on a walk with my new friend Dave and I described my relationship with most evangelicals like my relationship with my little group of Ukrainian friends. There are 4 or 5 Ukrainians that I spend time with when I'm there. They all speak english, so when we go to dinner or sight seeing or whatever it starts out in english but I find that as the conversation goes on it eventually turns into russian, and I feel myself fading out. That's how I feel with Christians sometimes. When we start spiritual or theological conversations I get it, but the longer it goes on and the deeper we get the more I feel like I fade. The more I learn I realize the less I know. I've felt a big need for consistency these days. So to those of you who have said you'll be there no matter what...and actually are there no matter what. Thank you. I'm a huge mess right now, but I'm so thankful for those who are hanging in there with me. I have good friends and more importantly good family. Sometimes (almost always) I'm maybe too hard on myself. I think I'm doing alright.

So I'll close with this, the profound words of one of my awesomest roommates ever, Diz.

"I am enough, and there is more."


brian said...


Rin said...

Oh, I like that: "I am enough, and there is more." so awesome.

I totally know that need for consistency...wanting constants in your life.

Isn't it a sucky feeling when you feel like you're a good person and making good choices...but people distance themselves from you because they don't agree with it. But then I've been on the other side of that too. :(

Anonymous said...

I found you on Mormanity. I'm LDS and I don't agree with a lot of Protestants believe, however there is something very admirable about you conviction and desire for truth.

It saddens me to read about your frustrations and questions and I often wonder why the Lord withholds answers from good people for a time.

The Lord will reveal Himself in His own time. I understand the need for consistency and true supportive friends in a rocky time like this.

I wish you the best,
J. Paul

chris said...

I love you, cheer up kid.