Saturday, April 7, 2012

Me Update

I was going to combine this with the sleep update yesterday, but I wanted to bore you to death two days in a row.

I've been blaming my fatigue on Addison for 4.5 months now. I hate saying 'blame', but it's the only word I can think of. And while these two do a good job at wearing me out, I actually felt more busy when I just had Garrett. We were moving, I was painting and unpacking and decorating and cleaning our apartment, trying to learn my way around California, Garrett had 3 appointments a week, I was dealing with months of fridge, cable, air conditioner, electrical, shower head, internet problems... sounds lame, but for at least 2 months I felt like someone new was here 2 or 3 times a week to 'fix' and 're-fix' and build things. This was the first time that this whole side of the building was 'residential' and there was a lot to do to make it livable. Anyway, and I was pregnant.

So, while Addison isn't the solid sound sleeper that Garrett has been since he was just a few weeks old, (aside from a few rough teething nights), like I said yesterday, she's not as bad as I've made it sound in weeks past. The truth is *I* can't sleep through the night.

I know I'm not depressed because I'm tired. But I know I don't sleep well because I'm depressed.

I've been fighting an internal battle for months about nursing while on an anti-depressant. Literally, months. My doctor and Addison's pediatrician have both stepped in, and even had conversations with each other about me and postpartum depression. They know I've been in counselling, and they both feel that medication will really help me at this point.

My prescription sat filled at the pharmacy for 3 months before I finally gave in a few days ago.

These are some of my battle conversations (with myself).

I need to be here, 100% for my kids. But I'm scared of what the meds might do to my milk. What if my supply drops? What if Addison starts acting different? What if there's a long term side effect on her? Is it better to breastfeed and be really depressed, or bottle feed and be really happy? Or should I take them and keep nursing and stop worrying. If I don't take them now, and then start in a year, and they help, will I look back and wish I'd started sooner, and feel like my kids were without a totally present mom for a year? If I start them now, will I still beat myself up because I need meds to be 'normal'? Why can't I just look at how blessed I am and be HAPPY?! My kids deserve a better mom. I'll give it one more month, and then I'll start... I'll go get the pills, but I won't start until I have a really bad day... I spend so much time thinking about them, that it's obvious that I need them...

These aren't daily thoughts, and sometimes a week or so will go by without thinking about it, and I feel really good. But it happened often enough that I knew it was time to make a decision. And I knew what the decision needed to be. I've (mostly) gotten over all my fears.

I had a little realization this week that really helped me. My 27 year old brother has been diabetic for 16 years. He's insulin dependant. He's not 'normal' without insulin. Without it everyday, several times a day, he would die. Taking medication makes him normal.

It's easy for people who have never battled depression to say it's easy to fix, "just be happy". Oh how I wish it was that easy. I want to be happy. I want to stop fearing the dark cloud. I want to feel balanced and normal. And I need medication to make me feel that way. I know that's pretty elementary sounding, and I kind of suck at analogies, but it helped me.

I've been on it for 4 or 5 days now. 'They' say I won't see a change for 1-2 weeks, and maybe up to a month for the full effect. It made me feel sick the first day, but since then, nothings seemed different.

So I wait...

And just keep loving these yummy babies of mine. If I could have shopped for kids at a store full of a billion babies, I swear I would have picked these two. I love these kids. And they love me.

1 comment:

Becks said...

I'm so sorry :( I had severe PPD after James was born (horrible extreme colicky baby that he was may have contributed to the misery! :) and the only regret I had was that I didn't go on the medication sooner. I felt like myself again once it kicked it. I felt like I could be the mom I wanted to be, and love my kid the way I was too sad and tired to do when I was depressed. The only downside for me was that the particular medication I was on made me gain weight, but honestly, I don't really care - it was worth it to be happy, to be an "all there" mom, and to love my baby. You are doing a really hard and brave thing! PPD is just a chemical imbalance that happens sometimes after a baby is born. If you had a heart condition, you would treat it right? Same should go for PPD - keep on being strong - you can do it!