Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Just the two of us...

Is it just me, or is growing baby number two not quite as fun as growing baby number one? With number one I had so much time for ME and all the time in the world to think about the baby. Sure, I was working full time and still learning how to be a wife. But if I was tired, I slept. If I was hungry and too sick/tired to cook we ordered take-out. If I was crafting and there was fabric, wood, paint, paper, scissors, glue and cricut cartridges everywhere, I could stop and leave it to do something else. No little one to chase after, or to worry about feeding as well, or worry about eating paint or grabbing a hot glue gun, or ripping up my scrapbook paper, etc. Just me, my sweet hubby who let me enjoy every part of getting ready for a baby, and my baby bump that consumed me in the happiest, most exciting way imaginable.

Not to mention I'm feeling very "uneducated" about this pregnancy. Last time I could tell you exactly what fruit or vegetable the baby was the size of in any given week. I was taking a weekly class about how to get the baby out of me safely. I was asking a million questions at every doctor appointment. And my living room and night stand looked like a library of what, when, where, how and why, all things pregnancy/newborn related. I knew when he could open his eyes and hear my voice inside of me, and what he was doing in there. And I was documenting with weekly belly shots. This time? Umm...yeah right. I'm lucky if I remember I'm pregnant. No books, no classes, appointments as short as possible so I can get home to my boy, and not a single (intentional) picture of this baby bump.

Sure my belly is getting bigger. I don't sleep well on my side. Leg cramping has begun. The number on the scale is creeping up. Stretchy pants are my best friend. And I'm one of those very lucky few to enter the 3rd trimester and still suffer from morning sickness.

But I hadn't really thought much about how life would be with two. Until today. Welcome back 3rd trimester emotional over-load. I remember you well.

It's no longer going to be just Garrett and I. I'm not excluding Paul from the picture, but with a (more than) full-time-outta-the-home working hubby, who's hands are also in several different pots in the community, who's sometimes on call in the evenings. And with me not working and being a full-time mommy, Garrett and I have A LOT of 'just the two of us' time.

The G man and I are a team. If I nap, its when he naps. His schedule is my schedule. Not only do we eat all of our meals together, but we usually share every meal with each other. We play. We laugh. We dance. We go shopping. We go to a lot of appointments. We do EVERYTHING together.

But in a couple short months, that's all going to change. This makes me nervous, scared, and even a little sad.

How can I possibly love someone else the way I love Garrett?

Please don't misunderstand. I'm so so so excited about lil 2.0. I can't wait to snuggle a tiny swaddled baby again. I miss that fresh delicious new baby smell. I want to kiss her cheeks. I want to see Paul napping on the couch and her napping on his chest. Those moments end way too soon. I can't wait to see what she looks like. And newborn yawns and sleepy smiles? My heart might just explode.

But this morning as I squatted down by Garrett's crib to play peek-a-boo and tickle monster, I was sad, for just a moment. All my time during the day is 'Garrett time'. I'm going to miss that.

I can't imagine that I'm the only mom who has felt this way. It seems normal to me, because, I've felt this way before.

We'd been home for 2 days from the hospital after Garrett was born. Paul was back at work, and it was 'just the two of us'. I was exhausted. I hadn't slept for days. Breastfeeding was a disaster. I was pumping and holding a screaming, starving baby, while on the phone and internet trying to learn about and find help for his torticollis. Changing diapers. Changing his clothes. Wondering if I'd ever get caught up on laundry. Trying to keep my house clean. I missed Paul- when it was 'just the two of us'. I thought about how we used to be able to leave last minute on any given night for a late movie. We could stay at restaurants for hours talking. We could have friends over late and be loud. I didn't realize how quickly that freedom would feel over.

These feelings didn't late long. A couple short days later I couldn't imagine my life without little G man with me every day.

I'm sure I'll feel the same way when number two comes along. I don't quite know how it'll all work, but it won't take long to forget what life was like before she joined the family.

But until she makes her debut, I'm going to enjoy every second I have with my little bubba. Just the two of us.

...because I'm just not ready for my baby to not be 'the baby'.


Heidi said...

I never worried about losing Langdon time or how I would love another little one just as much, but I understand all of the adjustment emotions you've described. I'm finally feeling (5 weeks post-partum) like we're on our way to doing well and not just surviving. Like I'm enjoying my life and positive about how we'll work on a day-to-day basis, not overwhelmed by the sheer insanity of having two children (under two years of age).

Linder said...

Hi Andrea! I have fun reading your blog, I hope it's okay to comment!

I totally know what you are saying. I didn't really worry until after number 2 arrived. I think I had rose-colored glasses on before that it would be perfect and lovely and an easy transition (like adding our first, he was so easy). Second baby comes and is colicky and hard and I honestly thought we had ruined our first baby's life forever. I even called my sister-in-law crying about it. She assured me that it would be okay and she was right. Infant phase was definitely hard but now they play together, eat together, bathe together and nap together. When they wake up I put one into bed with the other and we all play peek-a-boo. They love each other and laugh at their own little inside jokes. It's pretty awesome. We didn't leave the house the first six months and I thought we were all completely done for but then it all kind of came together and worked out and now it's just awesome :)

I hope your adjustment is faster than 6 months. You will be great -- you already are a wonderful mother and have such love for Garrett it will expand easily to include your new little one! Don't worry! :)

Platt Family said...

I am sure that plenty of moms will tell you the same thing, and that is that you instantly learn how to love two children just the same! BUT, you will not believe it until it happens. I bawled the night I went to have my second one. I wanted my first one to understand that I loved him so much and felt bad that I was going to have a another child. I also felt this exact same way when i went to have my third! It is normal for sure! You will see, somehow the moment that baby is born, you fill a hole in your family that you didn't know was missing. It is very awesome how quickly you love each other as a family! So excited for you!

megantonesforever said...

Having the second was hard for me. I couldn't give my attention to everyone like I wanted. It was an adjustment in our marriage too. Just be ready to cry a lot, and feel like life is so hard. Then when everything becomes doable and you love how life is you'll want another one to mess it all up again! Kidding. Maybe this baby will be a breeze and it'll feel like heaven. Here's hoping!

Elizabeth said...

I wonder the same thing with having #2! It's just the two of you- and it's s surprise to be had when there is one more lovely little person! Then it will be the 3 of you and i'm sure you will all meld together!
Enjoy the 2 time for now! I will too!