Not to mention I'm feeling very "uneducated" about this pregnancy. Last time I could tell you exactly what fruit or vegetable the baby was the size of in any given week. I was taking a weekly class about how to get the baby out of me safely. I was asking a million questions at every doctor appointment. And my living room and night stand looked like a library of what, when, where, how and why, all things pregnancy/newborn related. I knew when he could open his eyes and hear my voice inside of me, and what he was doing in there. And I was documenting with weekly belly shots. This time? Umm...yeah right. I'm lucky if I remember I'm pregnant. No books, no classes, appointments as short as possible so I can get home to my boy, and not a single (intentional) picture of this baby bump.
Sure my belly is getting bigger. I don't sleep well on my side. Leg cramping has begun. The number on the scale is creeping up. Stretchy pants are my best friend. And I'm one of those very lucky few to enter the 3rd trimester and still suffer from morning sickness.
But I hadn't really thought much about how life would be with two. Until today. Welcome back 3rd trimester emotional over-load. I remember you well.
It's no longer going to be just Garrett and I. I'm not excluding Paul from the picture, but with a (more than) full-time-outta-the-home working hubby, who's hands are also in several different pots in the community, who's sometimes on call in the evenings. And with me not working and being a full-time mommy, Garrett and I have A LOT of 'just the two of us' time.
The G man and I are a
But in a couple short months, that's all going to change. This makes me nervous, scared, and even a little sad.
How can I possibly love someone else the way I love Garrett?
Please don't misunderstand. I'm so so so excited about lil 2.0. I can't wait to snuggle a tiny swaddled baby again. I miss that fresh delicious new baby smell. I want to kiss her cheeks. I want to see Paul napping on the couch and her napping on his chest. Those moments end way too soon. I can't wait to see what she looks like. And newborn yawns and sleepy smiles? My heart might just explode.
But this morning as I squatted down by Garrett's crib to play peek-a-boo and tickle monster, I was sad, for just a moment. All my time during the day is 'Garrett time'. I'm going to miss that.
I can't imagine that I'm the only mom who has felt this way. It seems normal to me, because, I've felt this way before.
We'd been home for 2 days from the hospital after Garrett was born. Paul was back at work, and it was 'just the two of us'. I was exhausted. I hadn't slept for days. Breastfeeding was a disaster. I was pumping and holding a screaming, starving baby, while on the phone and internet trying to learn about and find help for his torticollis. Changing diapers. Changing his clothes. Wondering if I'd ever get caught up on laundry. Trying to keep my house clean. I missed Paul- when it was 'just the two of us'. I thought about how we used to be able to leave last minute on any given night for a late movie. We could stay at restaurants for hours talking. We could have friends over late and be loud. I didn't realize how quickly that freedom would feel over.
These feelings didn't late long. A couple short days later I couldn't imagine my life without little G man with me every day.
I'm sure I'll feel the same way when number two comes along. I don't quite know how it'll all work, but it won't take long to forget what life was like before she joined the family.
But until she makes her debut, I'm going to enjoy every second I have with my little bubba. Just the two of us.
...because I'm just not ready for my baby to not be 'the baby'.