Friday, October 28, 2011

The emotional spaghetti bowl

You know that spot in Salt Lake where all the interchanges happen at the same time and when you see it from a sky cam it seems impossible to figure out, but when you're right down in it, its not so bad? I feel like that's my life right now. If I remove myself for a second and look in at my life I wonder how I'm going to figure it all out, but if I just chill and stay in it, it's not so bad. (When I look in at my life...which kind of sounds weird, but I think you get it, I see it with two kids, even though I only have one at the moment.)

I've been really happy lately. But I have had some dark moments that I can't explain. I've been scared for no real reason. I've been excited. I've been overwhelmed. I've felt discouraged, proud, lazy, active, tired, healthy, sick. Although there have been a lot of good emotions, the ups and downs have me worried.

So, this is just going to be a post where I fill you in on the past couple weeks. No order, no sense, no grand solutions. And I'm open to advice or suggestions if you have them.

Garrett's room is either a sauna or an ice box. We don't have heating or AC here, so almost every room has a fan and a space heater. (Not used at the same time, just to be prepared.) We had a fan on in his room all summer and it was still hot. We're now in a season where we never know when we put him to bed if it should be a fan night or a heater night. We never get it right. It's not life or death, it just bugs me.

I've wanted to decorate lately. Right now my house is all cute and Halloweeny, but I'm excited for Tuesday so I can change it all to Fall/Thanksgiving. I think I'm worried that I'm going to be too exhausted to enjoy my favorite time of year this year, so I'm creating, crafting, and planning ahead so my house will be cute. I know none of this should matter, but it matters to me.

I've been sick for 9 months. I think I may have complained about/mentioned that a couple of times. I had a one month run of not throwing up, but it returned a couple weeks ago. I think I threw up a ton between 6 and 20 weeks. Then probably once or twice a week since then, (minus one month). I heard about women and pregnancies like this and it didn't seem possible, but it is. But even with all the sickness, I still haven't hit the, "I need this baby to get here now" phase and I'm almost 38 weeks.

Garrett has been constipated. It comes and goes, but lately mostly comes. We took him off whole milk when he was on the Croup steroid because it got really bad that week. But he never fully got back to normal. We tried a milk/formula mix. We've tried goats milk. We've tried almond milk. We finally went to toddler formula which loosened him right up for a couple days, but it didn't last. I've read a ton about different fruits, vegetables, fiber, whole grain, etc. But Garrett is a picky eater, and although he eats healthy and I'm good at sneaking vegis in things, I feel like getting him to eat prunes and green beans isn't possible. I think the constipation is waking him up during the night. He's been groaning a lot in his sleep and it'll go on for like 30 minutes. He starts tossing and turning and eventually wakes up. Poor little guy. I've asked his pediatrician who tells me it can be 'normal' for this to happen, and just keep trying different things. Great. Thanks.

Speaking of pediatricians, I hate ours. I liked him at first but we're going to break up. Before 2.0 gets here. I got a baby center email that was '7 signs of a bad pediatrician', ours fell into 5 of the 7. (I already planned to dump him, but this email gave me even more confidence.) I've asked some friends and I have a couple good recommendations, so that's what I'm doing next week.

I've gained 10.4 pounds this pregnancy. I'm proud of myself. Sure, its probably partly due to the throw up, but I think its mostly all the water I drink, eating healthy, NOT 'eating for two', (why is that so fun to say during the first pregnancy?), exercise, and being active with Garrett. As dumb as this sounds, I said from the beginning of both pregnancies that I want my wedding ring to fit the whole time. So far, so good. I'm not however, proud of what I weigh. That's a healthy eating and exercise plan that's in the works for after the baby is born.

This morning at 5AM I got up with groaning Garrett. I let him have a warm bottle in our bed and then I took him back to his crib. I couldn't sleep after that. I got stressed about what its going to be like to have two. And how hard it'll be if Garrett has a bad night and he wakes her up, or if she's a bad sleeper and constantly wakes him up. Our 3 bedrooms are about as close to each other as you can get, and because we live in a building that has those faux drop ceiling tile things, its not a super sound proof place.

I got a job. Good timing for a new job, right? Well, it doesn't feel like a job, and I can make my own schedule, and work from home, and it's easy, but I get paid, so it's a job. I'm the White Emerson Cupcake Girl. Paul is the marketing guy and he has between 20 and 30 (and is always trying to add more) contacts that he likes to touch base with monthly. Like hospice groups, assisted living centers, other home care companies, etc. He decided he wants to take them something every month. And for now, it's cupcakes. And I make them. He ordered the fancy professional cupcake boxed and puts a label of their logo on them and takes them by all the places each month. He's planning to do about 6 or 8 a week, so that's how many dozens I'll be making each week. I'll be able to pick the days, and if I have a bad day with the kids, I can do it the next day and its not a big deal. I like the low pressure. Paul turns in a slip to his boss of the places he went, and I get paid by the dozen. I think it'll work out well. I hope.

The nursery is almost done! It just needs the door frame molding put up on one side and the door needs a door knob, and it'll be ready. Garrett's was definitely a bigger, more time consuming project for me. Probably because it was all new, I had more time, and more money back then. But I'm happy it's about done and I think it looks cute.

Garrett is the slowest teether in the history of babies. Sometimes I think the groaning is a combination of the tummy aches and the gums. He has two teeth right now (that aren't even fully in), and he has a couple more trying to break through. I finally bought baby orajel, but who knows if it really works.

I've missed fall in Utah this year. (Even though if you blink, you miss it.) Leaves don't change in California much. There is one little group of trees at Garrett's physical therapy place that has some red and yellow leaves finally changing and falling and I love it. But compared to Utah, its wimpy. I want to take a drive through the mountains in Utah and see real fall! But I'm sure when everyone starts posting on facebook about all the snow and freezing to death, I won't mind the trade off.

My house always feels messy. Just now I thought of 8 different places that we keep toys, and none of them include Garrett's room. He's a mover, and an explorer, and it's easier to have stuff to do everywhere rather than try and get him to play in one place. But its taking over our house! How do you manage toys?? I've started this thing twice a day where I set my kitchen timer for 15 minutes. And I pick up, straighten, fold clothes, wash dishes or whatever for 15 minutes. I work hard and fast and then I stop. It's not the only time I pick up during the day, but I'm amazed at how relieved I feel and how good I can make this place look in 15 minutes. It's also amazing how fast it can all be undone.

Kids are expensive. Pregnancy is expensive. Gas is expensive. Food is expensive. Health insurance is a blessing, and it drives me insane. I don't think this one needs anymore explaining.

My goal was to be done Christmas shopping by November 1st. It's not going to happen, but I'm pretty dang close.

And back to Garrett's room... I told Paul today that we need to get him some sleepers with feet in them. Right now he only has two piece PJ's and his toes get really cold! And the kid REFUSES to wear socks. Ever. During our DOC band days we were strongly encouraged to never put shoes and socks on him because we had the band at the hottest time of the year and shoes/socks would trap in more heat and he needed to stay as cool as possible. And now that we're doc band free and getting cooler, he still won't wear them. Anyway, a package came in the mail today and it was sleeper pj's from Mara and Aron! Yay! He's asleep in them right now and he looks so cute and cozy.

Speaking of packages in the mail, I got one too! My mom sent me another hospital gown that she made. So cute. And a fitted sheet for 2.0's mattress that matches the rest of the stuff in the room. Perfect! I love getting fun stuff in the mail.

I'd upload pictures of all my crafts, packages, decorations, etc. My blogger told me that my computer no longer supports the upload tool or something and I need to switch to Chrome...or something...It kind of makes me crazy when stuff like that happens, because I really don't get it. And I still haven't figured it out.

That's all. I know there's a lot of good stuff here. And the bad stuff isn't so bad. I guess I'm just tired. And I'd love a week where everything was easy and went just how I wanted it too. (ha ha)

1 comment:

Heidi said...

I'm guessing you've tried this, but in case you haven't, have you tried juice for constipation? I just know our pediatrician "only recommends juice to relieve constipation." I have no idea if it actually works.

I'm sorry that you're stressed about having two. I will not pretend it's easy. It is not. At all. But it is also full of joy and I know this craziness in the beginning will be made up for by the time they're older and best buds. You can do it.