I think I'm ok. I think I'm going to be ok.

I started a post two weeks ago called 'Depression'.  It began with me saying how I kind of feel like I owe you, my couple of readers, an update on where I am.  Not because I owe you anything really, but because I opened the depression door to my life several months ago, and some may like to stay informed, and maybe even throw one up for me, ya know...a prayer.  Can you tell I don't like asking for help and I want to be the strong one who doesn't need anyone to pray for me??

I've decided to hold off on that post for now.  But I'll get to it in the coming weeks, because this one was a doozie.

I'd had a rough couple of days, and it was only getting worse.  Paul knew, my mom knew.  I didn't want them to know, but someone had to know.  It was obvious to Paul, and my mom knows everything.  I woke up a couple mornings after my spiral began, and I knew I needed some back up.  A couple people who would be willing to give up a day to listen to me cry and scream and say 'I give up' and send me inspirational thoughts and ideas, and pray for me.  My mom is great for this, but I needed these to be people who knew the non-family member side of me.  The ones who I could say words like 'Shit' to (or worse) as much as I wanted, and it would be welcomed and even encouraged.

I was still in bed, mad that the sun had in fact come up, and that I had to face the day, when I sent a group text to these two.

 Kate (top) Mara (bottom)

These are my best friends.  I still have a high school best friend, a roommate best friend, a college best friend, etc.  But at this adult/wife/parent time in my life, you're looking at 'em.  These two pulled through with flying colors.  I really don't have a lot of friends, but I've learned over the years that quality far outweighs quantity.  I love these ladies.  I don't know how I would have made it through that day and the days that followed, and the ones that are to come, without them.  Kate is in Salt Lake and Mara just moved from Reno to Atlanta, but they still managed to carry me through that day.  We spent the whole day on the phone, email and texts.  Kate is so good with words.  The whole day I was challenged and encouraged by her thoughts and ideas.  Mara never judges and will do anything at anytime for a friend.  Within two hours of my first text, Mara had booked a flight from Atlanta to LAX, all because she could tell that I needed a best friend by my side for a few days.  I can't thank them enough.

It's been just over two weeks since my 'crash'.  I'm finally starting to feel myself again.  Though, I don't really know what 'myself' feels like.  I won't say I see the light at the end of the tunnel, because I don't want to 'get' to the end of something, or be somewhere different necessarily, I'm just wanting where I am to be a little brighter. My depression and the postpartum hormone roller coaster have not been easy on me.  I remind myself often that life has changed a lot over the past three years.  Not to mention that it hasn't even been a year since my body finished making two people at super-human speed.  I'm doing ok.

Thanks for reading.